Filipino Jokes (part 3)

Tatay ito anak..
TATAY: Bagsak ka na naman! Ba't di mo gayahin si Pedro? Palaging may honor.
ANAK: Unfair naman kung ikumpara nyo ako kay Pedro.
TATAY: Bakit naman?
ANAK: Matalino Tatay nun.


Mental patient is singing while lying in his hospital bed. After a song, he turns face down to sing again.
NURSE: Bakit ka bumaliktad?
PATIENT: Side B na kasi eh.


ANAK: ;'Nay, sabi ng titser ko ang ina ay ILAW NG TAHANAN. Eh ano naman po ang tawag sa ama?
INA: (aburido) Sabihin mo sa ma'am mo, ang AMA ang taga-PUNDI NG ILAW!!!


Doc: iho, bakit mo naman sinapak yung lalaki kanina?
Boy: e doc, nakita niya na ninenerbyos ako sa resulta ng AIDS test tapos sasabihin pa niya.... THINK POSITIVE !


Mahirap intindihin ang mga Kano kasi sa kanila ang malambot "SoP", ang sabaw "SoP", ang sabon "SoP" pa rin.


ANAK: ' Tay , anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun. Pag dito tayo kakain ng luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer yon!!


What would happen if you have a wooden car with wooden wheels, a wooden chair and a wooden engine? It wooden start!!!

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Operator: AT&T, How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquil.

Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel.. I will spell his name foneticali,

Elpidio:
E as in Elpidio,
L as in lpidio,
P as in pidio,
I as in idio,
D as in dio,
I as in io, and
O as in o.

Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel:

A as in Airport,
B as in Because,
A as in airport agen,
N as in enemy,
Q as in Cuba ,
U as in Europe ,
E as in important, and
L as in elephant.

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Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?
Pinoy: No, Big cup!! Big cup!
Waiter: What would you like for your breakfast?
Pinoy: Hameneggs.
Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, sir?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much.
Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked.
Waiter: (with increasing impatience) Would you like your eggs...fried? poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?
Pinoy: (with increasing uneasiness) Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or sop boiled.
Waiter: And what bread would you like?
Pinoy: Begyurpardon?
Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white? rye? whole wheat? toast?
Pinoy: Pan Americano
Waiter: We don't have that.
Pinoy: Okey, gib me taystee.
Waiter: We don't have that either, sir.
Pinoy: Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?
Waiter: Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask for the last time, what would you like for breakfast?
Pinoy: Donut plis....


Two married men talking...
1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa.


Anak : Tays! kakains nas tayos!
Tatay : Hoy! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi mo ha ! Ano ba ang ulam ?
Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA !


BISAYA 1 : Unsay ibig sabihon ng "cooling place"?
BISAYA 2 : Pag-naga ring ang fon, sabihon mo: "Hilow, hus cooling place?"


A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink.
When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says,
"Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight."
So the Chinese guy says "I love liver and cheese". She says "That's not good enough".
The Japanese man says "I hate liver and cheese". She says "That's not creative".
Finally, the Filipino says "Liver alone, cheese mine!"


How do you know if siopao meat is made of cat, rat or dog?
Pinch a piece of siopao and let the cat smell it.
If the cat likes it...rat!
If it doesn't...cat!
If it runs...dog!


What's the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption in the Philippines?
In the US , they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to US!


Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap?
Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan!
Pag Bumbay - 5-6!
Pag Kano - credit card!
E pag Intsik - C.O.D.!!!!


Lulubog na ang barko...
PARI: San Pedro, San Jose ...
MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara....
INTSIK: lubok na balko! tawak pa kayo pasahelo!

Pacman Jokes (part 2)

CHAVIT : MANNY, paki acknowledge naman si 1st Gentleman,late dumating, ayun kadadaan lang tabi ng ringside.
PACMAN : I wud like to acknowledge da ARRIVAL OF DA LATE 1st GENTLEMAN WHO JUST PASSED AWAY.
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Jinky: Manny, kung magkakaanak ulet tayo ano magandang name?
Manny: Hmm. Eh di combine na lang name natin… "MANKY" .....Harhar.
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Pacquiao: Honey, buksan mo na yung sweets.
Jinky : Lambing mo talaga. mwah !! Nasan ang sweets honey?
Pacquiao: Yung sweets ng ilaw. Di ako makakita… ang dilim!!
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C Manny Pacquiao tumakbo sa pagka-Congressman sa GenSan...
Reporter : Manny, anong masasabi mo sa peace and order sa inyong lugar...GenSan?
Manny : ah, yun ba? uhmm....eh.. . ang masasabi ku lang diyan ay...
Reporter : ano..?
Manny : ahh, kwan,...maraming Fish sa GenSan pero wala masyado umo-Order.
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Freddie and Manny heart to heart talk
Manny : Pare, ba’t naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? Wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Freddie : Meron... Manhid ka lang!
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Noodle!!
Noodle!!
Noodle!!
- Manny Pacquiao sa Deal or No Deal.. =)
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-Sa Las Vegas-
Waiter : May I take your order, madam?
Aling Dionisia : Soup
Waiter : Chicken, asparagus, noodle, fish or soup of the day?
Aling Dionisia : Soup drenks!
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'you iS!'
'you is!'
'you is!'
-sigaw ni Aling Dionisia pagdating sa Amerika.
Andito na ako sa 'you is!'
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Aling Dionisia: Gustu ku naman pag nagka-anak kayu uli ni Jinky, di lang pangalan nyo pagsasamahin. Dapat kasali din pangalan ku.
Manny: Oo naman nay, kasu midyu mahirap yun.
Dionisia : Hindi ah, may naesep na nga ako eh..
Manny: Talaga nay? Anu?
Dionisia: DIOMANJI (dionisia-manny- jinky)

Filipino Jokes (part 1)

Never ending Pinoy JOKES... Hope you enjoy them!


Hindi lahat ng party ay Masaya -- 3RD PARTY
Hindi lahat ng 13 ay malas -- 13TH MONTH PAY
Hindi lahat ng negative nakakalungkot -- PREGNANCY TEST (whew)
Hindi lahat ng positive ipinasasaya -- HIV POSITIVE


The girl told her boyfriend, "mahal, punta ka sa bahay, walang tao..."
Nagmamadali umalis ang boyfriend!
Pagdating sa bahay ng girlfriend.. .
Katok siya ng katok!
Walang ngang tao! hehehe


Anak: Tay, totoo po bang may multo?
Tatay: Anak walang multo! Bakit mo naitanong?
Anak: Sabi kasi ni yaya merong multo!
Tatay: Anak...wala tayong yaya!


Inday: Ate, kailangan daw ipaEXTRAY ulo ni junior?
Mother: Gaga anong EXTRAY?
Inday:Ano pu ba ati?
Mother: CT SKULL!! Bobo!


Bahay ng mag-asawa pinasok ng killer....
Killer: Bago ko patayin lahat ng biktima ko ay kinikilala ko muna.
Ikaw mrs, ano pangalan mo?
Mrs: Inday po.
Killer: Napakagandang pangalan, kapangalan mo nanay ko. Hindi na kita papatayin. Ikaw mr, ano pangalan mo?
Mr: Ah Pedro po, pero my friends call me Inday.


Buyer: Magkano kambing?
Aita: Isang libo.
Buyer: Ha? mahal naman! 800 nalang.
Aita: Di pwede, sabi ASAWA ko wag benta pag di libo.
Buyer: Ganon?! Kalahati libo?
Aita: Yan! Pwede na.


Teacher: Juan, give me colors that start with letter M, except maroon!
Juan: Hhmmm...
Maitim!
Mapute!
Maputla!
Madilaw!
Mukhang berde!
Mejo asul!
Mamink-mink!


Isang binata naputulan ng parehong braso, pagdating sa ospital:
Binata: Doc gamutin mo po ako naputol parehong braso ko.
Doc: Mga anong oras ka ba naputulan?
Binata: Mga 10 oras na po.
Doc: 10? Eh bakit ngayon ka lang pumunta dito?
Binata: HALLER! Mahirap kaya pumara ng jeep!!


Nanay: Papauwi ka na ba? Asan ka na?
Anak: Andito po ako sa ospital...
Nanay (umiiyak): Ha? Ano nangyari sayo?!
Anak: Nay, nurse po ako, duty ako ngayon!


A large signboard says: "ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY."
Nakita ng lasenggo... "So what? Sino ba nagmamadali? "?


Misis: Inday, napansin mo ba ang barong ni sir mo lagi na lang may lipstick?
Maid: Opo nga ma'am! Mukang niloloko na tayo na sir ah?!?!


Jr: Nay, nagloko ba si lolo noong buhay pa sya?
Mom: Pag namatay ako, tatanungin ko siya sa langit.
Jr: Eh kung nasa hell si lolo?
Mom: Tatay mo ang magtatanong!


Son to dying father: Itay, ano po ang gusto nyo, magpalibing ba o magpa-cremate?
Ama: Ikaw na ang bahala, anak. I-surprise mo na lang ako.


Wife: Dear....nahihirapan akong huminga....
Husband: Dear...kung nahihirapan ka na, e di itigil mo na! O, di bah!


Pacquiao: Honey, buksan mo na yung sweets.
Jinky: Nasan honey? Ang lambing mo naman. May pasalubong ka pa sa akin!
Pacquiao: Yung sweets ng ilaw. Ang dilim kaya!


Pulis: Sino nakakita sa aksidente?
Vendor: Ako sir, ako!
Pulis: Buti naman may witness. Kita mo ba plate number?
Vendor: Oho! Nagsimula ho sa 4
Pulis: Ano kasunod?
Vendor: Registration.


Bisaya: Hulaan mo alaga kong hayop nagsimula sa liter “I”.
DJ: Isda?
Bisaya: Dili man!
Dj: Ibon?
Bisaya: Lapit na.
DJ: Ano nga, siret na!
Bisaya: IGOL.


Erap disembarked from a PAL flight and was met by reporter who asked,
"Sir, what do you think of the economy?"
Erap: I don't know. I was seated in the first class.


Misis: Darling, akala ko ba, mahal mo ako...
Mister: Oo nga! Handa akong mamatay alang-alang sa iyo.
Misis: Sus! Puro ka naman satsat, hindi mo naman ginagawa!


Sa isang restaurant:
Waitress: Sir, akala ko ba, nagda-diet kayo?
Customer: Oo nga. Gusto kong pumayat. Kaya nga rito ako kumakain sa restaurant ninyo, kasi hindi masarap ang pagkain kaya konti lang ang nakakain ko!


Tony: Ikaw na naman? Tatlong beses mo na akong na-holdup ngayong taon, ah!
Holdaper: Ganu'n talaga brod. Inaalagaan ang good customer!


A man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?".
First hostage says, "Yes", and is immediately shot.
The robber asks second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
Second Hostage, "No, but my wife did."